A Familiar Friend

Bright colors yellow, red, orange, swirl around me as I step through the automatic door and into a paradise full of fried potatoes and "all beef patties."

McDonalds in Bangkok is such a delight! There's a general feeling of privilege as you dine there. It is actually the most expensive meal the average Thai will eat. At a hundred and thirty baht, I could be eating eight omelets and a couple meats on sticks. I wouldn't. That's just an illustration. Potatoes might be a expensive but beef and cheese are gold!

Take just a moment to think about your local American McDonalds. Pimply sixteen year olds spitting in the quarter pounders, massive amounts of health violations. Weekly e. coli scares. "We forgot your apple pie? Okay, what about it?"
"This isn't your order? Well, can you eat it anyway? You like chicken nuggets, right?"
"You ordered twenty minutes ago? I guess we lost it. . ."

Okay, now ready yourself for this:

I walked into the restaurant and I was met with a chipper teen girl with a flouncy red apron who may or may not have said: " Sa wa dee ka, ma ha na. . . something. . . kaa!" I take it that meant: "Welcome to McDonalds, we have a promotion on the new chicken burger!" I smiled and nodded. This young woman walks around like a bird of paradise, her makeup and hair immaculate and her uniform is trendy. Her job is to greet customers, clear off tables and direct people to a table! Can you believe that? A hostess!

The bright lights and signs were begging me to shoot myself with some beefy dopamine goodness. What do I want? What do I want? I want it all! I'll have a large fry, a large nugget, a Big Mac, a large, coke and two apple pies. Simmer down, girl. We're going to get through this trip without making a fool of ourselves.

"Sa wa dee KAA!" said an equally chipper counter girl.
"KAA!" I replied, excited that I was being welcomed in a McDonald's for the first time in my life. No one looked bored or angry that I had interrupted their food fight or prank intercom shenanigans to request food!

"Can I have a double cheeseburger set, please?" Instead calling things "Big Mac Meals," they call them sets. Perhaps they think it's a little presumptuous to call a burger and fries a "meal."
The counter girl was all over it. She shouted to someone and things were happening so rapidly, I couldn't keep up. My meal was out on the counter before I could stick my hand in my pocket for money. I looked at the girl dumbly. "Is that mine?"

Her head bobbed up and down. "One hundred thirty nine baht."

My paid and noticed that my drink was a coke, I also noticed that they didn't ask me if I'd wanted a coke. Apparently it's a default drink. As I looked around the dining area for a place to sit, I found I didn't have to look long. The hostess, who had obviously been keeping an eye on me, ushered me to a table without much preamble. "Thank you," I murmured, still amazed by this treatment.

How was the meal? The fries were hot and crispy, the burger was hot and cheesy with a ton of ketchup and pickles that I'd removed no matter what country I'm in. It was calming to sit amongst the calamity of being in a new location but with an old familiar friend. Until the old familiar feeling of guilt came back. "What the hell am I doing eating this? I stopped eating this stuff when I was in America!"

When I was finished, I quickly left, pretending that I was never in there.

P.S. Some other things I found really interesting about Bangkok McDonalds:

1. The ketchup doesn't taste the same. Something about this kind is slightly sweeter and thinner consistency. Next to ketchup dispensers there are "chili sauce" dispensers. I don't dig that sauce at all.

2. There are no apple pies. Only corn and pineapple pies. I don't think I'm about that either. Corn pies?

3. I saw at least three other foreigners eating there last night. We all pretended we didn't see one another. I imagine we didn't want admit to the others that we'd sunk that low. WE ARE NOT TOURISTS!