A Close Shave

Chili Aroma Hot Balm--- a greasy balm that smells a lot like Bengay and Tiger Balm, it's warning label says "Caution: Extremely hot! Use small amount in test area." It also said that it was a heating balm for soothing sore muscles and joints. Score!

When I bought this balm at the organic Thai products store in the mall, I thought for sure I was getting a great deal. No more would I come home from school with aching muscles nor would have to limp to and from the bathroom in pain. Standing around in high heels might be cute as hell, but it's certainly hell on my ankles and knees.

When I took it home and tried a "small test area" on my ankle. I felt nothing. Dammit, what a scam! Extremely hot? I've never encountered such an indifferent balm in my life! But interestingly enough, I accidentally wiped some on a mosquito bite and felt instant cooling relief. Okay, not so indifferent, but cooling. The balm was not a total loss.
That was a couple weeks ago.

Today, I'm struggling with about eight mosquito bites on both arms. The itching is driving me mad and I'm doing all I can not to scratch, scratch, scratch. So as soon as I got home, I jumped in the shower and loofahed vigorously. Hey, it's better than fingernails, right? While I was at it, I did a quick underarm shave too. A little too much information? Ha! You've come this far with me, stick around a little while longer.

After I'd wash the day's dirt and grime off, I applied the "not-hot-chili" balm on my arms liberally. Ahh, cooling.

The point where this story takes a wrong turn is during my motorbike ride to the mall later in the day. In the heat and the humidity the chili oils from the balm started to run. The burning that the label warned me about was stinging my freshly shaved armpits like a hornet attack. And all of this took place while I was speeding through alley ways on the back of a motorbike.

I tried to bite my tongue and hold back a howl, it came out in a sharp hiss. "ahhhh!" I whispered as quietly as I could.

"A lai-nah?" What? asked the motorbike driver.

"Nothing, nothing," I told him. How do you say burning armpits in Thai? On the verge of tears, I attempted to raise my arms above my head and let the wind air them out. Oh god, please don't let me fall off the motorbike and in the middle of traffic because of "not-hot-but-yeah-kinda-chili" balm. Don't let me go out like that.

Without looking too noticeable, I pretended to scratch my head, then I pretended to stretch both arms. But my timing was poor and I hit a hanging tree branch. "Shit!" I shouted and the motorbike skidded to a stop.

My driver turned to me and said something with a concerned tone. I shook my hand and smiled. I wasn't hurt, just thoroughly embarrassed. "Kor toht, ka," I apologized. "I'm fine, I'm fine." I motioned for him to continue driving.

When I got to the mall I ran straight for the restroom and washed my arms of the balm and received some curious looks. No matter, though, I was just glad to rid myself of the burning. What spells relief? Definitely not Chili Aroma Hot Balm. That's what I get for abusing a product with bad syntax. From now on, I will stick with the "small test area."